Horizons
by Room3
Summary: A post Third Impact story


Author's Note -  
  
A quick word in advance. This is not a very pleasant story. It is absolutely the darkest and saddest thing I've ever written and it was intended to be that way. And the Third Impact mentioned herein is not the one from 'End Of Evangelion', as you will see.  
  
And no, I haven't given up on 'Evangelion Chronicles'. This is one of those things that just begs to be written and won't leave you alone until you do. I'm still developing 'Evangelion Chronicles' and suggestions would be welcome. It's turning out to be harder than I had expected, and that's saying a lot, believe me.  
  
Disclaimer –  
  
None of the characters used here are mine and I will make absolutely no profit from this. If the owners of 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' wish for this to be removed, I will do so.  
  
=================================================================================================  
  
Horizons – A Post Third Impact Story  
  
A groan escaped Asuka cracked lips as she awoke. Her head was pounding and her mouth felt like a scorched desert. She tried to open her eyes, but couldn't. Reaching up, she felt a bandage wrapped around her forehead. Her breathing began to speed up as she was gripped by panic.  
  
"Asuka?" she heard a voice say. It sounded familiar, but took the redhead a few moments to place it.  
  
"Mis...sato?" the German managed to say around her parched throat, her voice cracking.  
  
"Shh, don't try to talk," her guardian said softly, sounding closer than she was before. "Are you thirsty? Just nod." The second-child nodded her head slightly, hissing as the movement seemed to make her head feel worse. She felt hands on her shoulders and tensed. "It's okay Asuka," Misato assured her gently. "But you'll have to sit up to drink." Her words made sense and the redhead allowed the major to manoeuvre her into an upright position, with the pillow behind her back for support. She heard the sound of a liquid being poured and felt something stab her dry lips.  
  
"Sorry about that," Katsuragi apologised, trying to sound cheerful. "Could you open your mouth?" Asuka did so and felt a small tube enter. She wrapped her lips around the straw and began to suck greedily. "Drink slowly," Misato ordered her. Despite the overwhelming need she felt for the liquid, Asuka did so, swirling the cool water around her parched mouth before swallowing. A soft sigh escaped her lips as it slid down and soothed her throat.  
  
"What…happened?" the second-child asked once she had drained the glass. Her throat still felt sore, but she had to know.  
  
"We're not sure," her guardian sighed sadly. "Something big, we know that much. But that's all. No-one remembers anything." The sound of scraping, making the girl cringe, assaulted her ears; it was obviously a chair being moved closer to her bed. "If you're sure you want to know, I can tell you the current situation. But I gotta warn you, it's not good."  
  
"Please," Asuka said. "I…I need to…to know."  
  
"Okay," Katsuragi sighed. "First off, Unit 02 has been destroyed. It looks like it was torn apart by some kind of animal."  
  
Sohryu cringed. "Was…was I in there?"  
  
"When it happened? We don't know. We found you lying on the ground not too far from the remains."  
  
"What else?"  
  
"Commander Ikari is dead - shot. But again, we don't know who by," Misato continued. "There's a giant hole in the Geo-Front that looks like it was caused by an explosion. Possibly an N2 mine. There's no way to know for sure as the Magi data recorders are all blank." Asuka heard the woman take a deep breath.  
  
"Rei is in a coma. Her condition is critical. To be honest, the doctors aren't sure she'll survive," Katsuragi said, her voice barely over a whisper.  
  
"Was she shot?" the redhead asked quietly.  
  
"No. From her injuries, it seems more like someone was trying to beat her to death."  
  
"Mein Gott!" Sohryu gasped, wincing at the pain the action caused. She swallowed hard. "How could anyone do such a thing?!" There was silence for a few moments, during which Asuka could almost feel Katsuragi's discomfort. "What else?" she asked. "What aren't you telling me?"  
  
Misato sighed. "I'd hoped I wouldn't have to tell you until later," she said. "Unit 01 has disappeared. There's no sign of it." There was a brief pause. "Nor Shinji," she added, her voice barely audible.  
  
"Shinji's missing?" the second-child asked, her voice breaking.  
  
"Yes. The search teams have already gone over all of Tokyo-3 and are spreading out, but there's no sign of him, or Unit 01, anywhere." Asuka felt shock grip her, and brought her hands up to her face, feeling once again the bandages covering her eyes.  
  
"What's wrong with me?" she whispered.  
  
"You're retina's were flash-burned," her guardian told her.  
  
"You mean I'm blind?" the redhead asked, struggling to come to terms with the idea and turning her head towards the woman in an unconscious movement.  
  
"Yes," Katsuragi sighed. The girl felt a hand grip hers. She squeezed her guardian's hand, grateful for the simple contact. "The doctors are sure you'll get your sight back, but they don't know if you'll recover completely." Asuka tipped her head back, as if to look at the ceiling and felt a cold metal bar touch her hairline. "I take it you don't remember anything?"  
  
"No," Asuka said. "The last thing I remember is being dragged out of the ruins of Hikari's house by a couple of Section Two agents." She grimaced. "And I wasn't exactly completely aware of what was going on then either. What day is it?"  
  
"December 16th," Misato told her. "It's still 2015. Just. You've been out for about a week.  
  
"I thought it was October," the girl said, her brow furrowing.  
  
Misato sighed. "We're all missing about a month and a half," she said sadly.  
  
--  
  
"How is she?" Ritsuko asked as Misato entered the doctor's temporary office. Akagi's left arm was in a sling, having been broken during the 'lost time'.  
  
"She doesn't remember anything," Katsuragi told her, flopping down on the spare chair. "Just like everyone else."  
  
"Did you tell her?"  
  
"Yeah," the girl's guardian informed her. "I'm not sure if it was a good idea though." She sighed. "But she does have a right to know." She shook her head. "How about the Magi? Any luck?"  
  
"No," the blonde answered. "It doesn't look like the data has been wiped; more like, it was never there to start with."  
  
"Is that possible?"  
  
"I didn't think so, but then, a lot of what's happened recently wasn't really possible."  
  
"Tell me about," Katsuragi muttered. "Any word from Fuyutski?"  
  
"Not yet. I guess he's still trying to talk some sense into the UN."  
  
"I can't believe they wanted us to rebuild Nerv," Misato commented, shaking her head in disbelief. "The Angels are gone. We don't need the Eva's any more."  
  
"You're right. It would be best for all concerned if that technology is left well alone." Ritsuko rubbed her neck where the sling was causing an ache. "One thing I think you should know," she said serious. "It has been confirmed - Rei is brain-dead. The life support machines are the only things keeping her alive."  
  
"I was afraid of as much," the major said sadly, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "Any chance you can get them to turn them off?"  
  
"I'll give it a try," the doctor told her. "She deserves to be allowed to die with some dignity at least."  
  
--  
  
When Asuka awoke a second time, she was relieved to find the pounding in her skull had diminished. However, this time she was alone; her gentle calls went unanswered. Sighing, she burrowed her head into her pillow. It felt so disorientating, not being able to see what was going on. She thought back over the things Misato had told her.  
  
Unit 02 destroyed, she thought sadly. It wasn't as if piloting was a happy experience, but at least it was something she could do. Something that showed how important she was. Something that proved she was alive.  
  
Commander Ikari dead, she thought. Good riddance! She hated the man. Cold and heartless, that's all he was. She couldn't think of one good thing about the man.  
  
A hole in the Geo-Front. Well, it's not like it's the first time that's happened! She didn't think it would take them too long to get it fixed.  
  
The Magi have no record of what happened, she pondered. I'm not sure I want to know what did happen.  
  
Rei's in a coma, Asuka thought, considering the first-child's condition. It's not like I like her or anything, but no-one deserves that! And then finally…  
  
"Shinji's missing," she muttered aloud, surprised by how much that bothered her. "Why does that matter to me more than Unit 02 being destroyed?" she whispered. The boy was a wimp, he never stood up for himself, he ran away from any confrontation with other people. She hated that kind of person, and yet…  
  
I miss him, the redhead realised sadly. She pictured his smiling face and felt her lips turn upwards themselves. And don't know why, but I do. She considered their relationship. A sudden thought made her stop. He never ran away from me, she realised. Not matter how hard I pushed, he kept coming back. The second-child rolled onto her back and turned her head to the ceiling.  
  
"The invincible Shinji," Asuka murmured, her tone empty. She couldn't find the energy to inject any of her usual venom into the words. In fact, she found she didn't want to. He was far from invincible, she knew that. She'd heard him scream in pain and terror, watched as his confidence crumbled - something she knew she'd played a key role in.  
  
He was such a kind and gentle soul, so much the opposite of his father that Asuka often found it hard to believe they were truly related. But they were. The look in his eyes when he did become angry made that clear. It was the same look she had so often saw in Commander Ikari's eyes - cold and uncaring. It always made a chill run up her spine.  
  
But those times were few and far-between, thankfully. Most of the time he was…cheerful. And that cheerfulness was infectious; she often found herself smiling when he was, despite the fact she didn't want to. Generally, no matter how angry she had been, his cheery face had been able to cut through it. She played along as if she was still angry of course. She couldn't let him know that he could make her smile. But he could, there was no escaping that.  
  
"But now he's gone," she muttered sadly, feeling an itch at the corner of her eyes. Gone. The word repeated itself over and over in her mind. It made her feel sad…and lonely. For some reason, without him, she felt…alone. And as much as she'd always said that was how she wanted to be, she hated it. Asuka sighed and rolled onto her side once more, curling into a ball.  
  
Why did the fact that Shinji was gone make her sadder than when Kaji had disappeared? She'd felt great deal for the older man. In fact, when he'd been around, she had thought that she loved him. She knew now that she hadn't, it had just been a silly crush. She had been hurt when he and Misato had started spending so much time together, but she'd accepted it. That fact was part of what made her realise she hadn't really loved him. If she had, she couldn't have accepted him seeing someone else, even if that someone had been Misato, who she loved.  
  
Love - it was such a powerful word. It could make countries go to war. It could change the course of the world. It could build you up, make you feel like you were walking on air, or it could crush you and leave you broken on the floor.  
  
"Shinji," she sighed, the third-child's face appearing in her mind's eye. Why did her thoughts keep turning to him? You cared about me, didn't you Shinji? she thought. Whenever I was down or hurt, you wanted to help. Why? After everything I did to you, why did you always come back for more? She sighed. And why did I want you to?  
  
"I really am a fool," she said sadly. She cared for him too. No matter how much she wanted to deny it, she did. She liked the time they'd spent together, which had been among the happiest moments of her life. Only he and Hikari could make her smile, and Asuka knew the brunette had left and was now living who knows where. The girl had said that her family were planning on moving, but Asuka had been so caught up in her own problems that she hadn't paid any attention.  
  
What kind of friend am I? she wondered at that. She'd been too full of herself. So full of herself that she failed to notice just what was going on around her and just how much her friend had needed her. I didn't deserve to be her friend, Asuka thought. I've got no right to call myself her friend. I wasn't. I was just using her, just like I do everyone else. I use them, then discard them when they're no longer any use to me. She sighed heavily. "Why the hell does anyone want anything to do with someone like me?" A smiling face came to mind.  
  
"Oh Shinji," she uttered tearfully, her voice breaking, "I miss you! Mein Gott, I miss you! Where are you?!"  
  
------  
  
The sky was overcast when the day came, as if the heavens themselves felt the sadness of the mourners. Most of the surviving members of Nerv attended, surprising Asuka who hadn't realised just how much the girl had been liked. She adjusted the dark glasses she wore as she stood next to Misato. The German had hoped that her eyes would have healed beyond the need for the lenses by now, but she was still photosensitive.  
  
An elderly priest was talking to her left, but she paid him no heed, her thoughts focused on who they were burying. She was so lost in thought she didn't even notice when Katsuragi moved and began speaking. She shook herself out of her trance-like state in time to hear her guardian's closing words.  
  
"…and because of the nature of what we do, most people will never know just what she did. So it is therefore up to us to remember her. We must never forget just who Rei Ayanami was, and what she did for us." A quiet murmur of agreement emanated from the crowd as Katsuragi saluted the first-child's grave. "Does anyone else want to say anything?" she asked.  
  
Asuka hesitated slightly, before speaking. "I do," she said, sounding far more confident than she felt. The German took the major's place, and Misato gently squeezed the girl's shoulder before taking her own place among the mourners. Sohryu took a deep breath and began.  
  
"It's no secret that Rei and I weren't exactly friends," she said, her tone soft and thoughtful. "In fact, I can't think of even one time I was nice to her." She paused and sighed. "To be honest, I think I felt threatened by her when we first met. She'd been a pilot longer than me and had more experience against the Angels than I did. And her reaction when I suggested we be friends really pissed me off." The sound of muffled laughter greeted that comment. She smiled softly to herself and looked down at the freshly buried grave.  
  
"But I must admit, a part of me admired her; her…her resolve, the strength of her convictions. The best example of that would be the battle against the sixteenth Angel. She was willing to give her life to stop it. That's not something I think I could've done. I know piloting meant putting my life on the line, that every time I went into battle I may not come back, but I don't think I would've had the courage to do it.  
  
"But she did. Without a second thought she blew up Unit 00, staying inside it to make sure the Angel remained contained. How she survived, I don't know. Considering what happened to her…maybe it would've been better for her if she hadn't." Asuka looked up.  
  
"I can't change how I treated her, can't take back what I said," she continued. "But I can choose to remember her the way she should be - as a hero. Because she was." She walked over to the headstone and laid her hands on it. "Rei Ayanami, I hope you find peace. You've earned it."  
  
--  
  
Asuka's feet dragged as she entered the apartment she shared with Misato and... No. It was just Misato and her now. The major went ahead and the girl heard the sound of the curtains being closed. The door slid shut as she slipped her shoes off.  
  
"Thanks Misato," the German said, stepping into the living room and taking off her glasses. She put them on the small table by the doorway and gave the bridge of her nose a rub.  
  
"What you said, about Rei, was beautiful Asuka," Katsuragi told her, sitting down on the couch.  
  
"Thank you," Sohryu replied, embarrassed. "But I was just being honest." She sighed sadly. "I think it's about time I started telling the truth and stopped hiding behind my pride."  
  
"Perhaps," her guardian said, noticing the sorrow in her voice. The girl seemed to ignore her comment and wandered over to the couch, dropping heavily onto it. Resting her elbows on her knees she rested her head in her hands. Again she sighed, blinking as she felt tears forming in her eyes. Too drained to try and stop them, she let the tears fall and her body began to shake. She felt Misato wrap one arm around her shoulder, the other burying her head into the woman's neck.  
  
"It's okay Asuka," Katsuragi muttered softly. "Just let it out."  
  
"Oh Gott!" the redhead whispered and then let go, let the emotions running through her free. Her body became wracked with sobs as the tears poured forth, streaming down the girl's face. Her breath became ragged and she clutched onto the arm holding her head as if her life depended on it.  
  
The major leant back in the sofa, pulling Asuka with her so the girl's head lay in her lap. Unconsciously, the German pulled her feet up onto the couch as she continued to cry. If Sohryu had looked up she wouldn't have seen the tender smile on her guardian's face, the tears running free were blurring her vision. Instead, the former pilot curled her legs up, buried her face in Misato's lap and cried herself out as Katsuragi gently stroked her hair and whispered soothing words to her.  
  
--  
  
Hours later, when she could cry no more, she sat up, stiff from having lead in such an awkward position and thanked the woman, wiping her puffy eyes.  
  
"No problem Asuka," Misato assured her softly. "But it looks like you broke your promise not to cry again," she added, trying to cheer her charge up. She failed.  
  
"That was a stupid thing for me to have promised," the redhead snorted. "But then, I was a stupid little girl at the time." She cocked her head at the major. "Wasn't I?"  
  
"I wouldn't say stupid," the purple-haired major responded. "Naïve maybe, but not stupid." She looked closely at the girl. "You gonna be okay Asuka?"  
  
"I don't know," Sohryu sighed sadly, "I just don't know."  
  
------  
  
"How could you Misato?!" Asuka screeched at her guardian. "How could you do such a thing?!"  
  
"I didn't have a choice Asuka," the woman replied sadly. "I've been ordered to call off the search. Do you think I want to?" Katsuragi sighed and rubbed her eyes. "It's been almost three months…and nothing. There's been no sign of him or Unit 01. The UN has ordered him to be declared dead."  
  
"NO!" the redhead screamed at her, slamming her fist down on the major's desk. "He's not! He's alive! ALIVE!"  
  
"I wish I could believe you Asuka," Misato responded sadly. "But there's no proof of that." She sighed and looked up, intending to stare directly into the eyes of the girl in front of her, but found her view blocked by the dark-glasses she still needed. Forgot about those, she thought sadly. "We just have to accept that Shinji is dead."  
  
"I won't!" the German shouted back angrily, feeling tears well up. "I won't give up on him! He's out there! And we have to find him!"  
  
"Asuka…" her guardian started, but trailed off as the former pilot ran from the office, tears streaming down her face. "DAMMIT!" she shouted, slamming her own fist down on the desk and hearing the wooden surface crack. She lifted her stinging hand and flexed the fingers to make sure it wasn't broken, tears in her eyes.  
  
--  
  
Sohryu collapsed onto her bed, burying her tearstained face into her pillow. She wasn't sure how she'd made it home, the journey was nothing more than a blur. Instinct, she supposed. That was all she seemed to be operating on recently. It was almost as if her higher functions had all but shut down after Rei's funeral.  
  
More like after you broke down afterwards, she told herself silently. She rolled onto her back, glad she'd left her curtains drawn that morning and removed her glasses to rub her red-rimmed eyes. A ringing sound attracted her attention to the cell phone she'd dropped as she'd arrived.  
  
"Hello," she said flatly, answering it.  
  
"Asuka, it's Doctor Akagi," the voice from the earpiece said. "You're overdue for your appointment."  
  
"Sorry," the girl replied sadly, sniffling a little. "I…I'm not feeling well. Can we do it tomorrow?"  
  
There was a slight pause before Ritsuko spoke again. "Alright, I think I'll be able to fit it in." A sigh could be heard. "Just make sure you're on time please."  
  
"I will," Asuka said and hung up. Feeling drained, both physically and emotionally, she let the phone slip through her fingers and fall to the carpeted floor. She sighed and sat up, looking mournfully around her room. It was all wrong. It was all so wrong! This wasn't how things were supposed to be. They'd defeated the Angels. They were supposed to be able to relax and be happy now.  
  
But now…now Asuka felt sadder and more alone than she had ever felt before. She had nothing that gave her life meaning. There was nothing she could do. There was nothing she wanted to do. There was just nothing.  
  
"Nothing," she muttered sadly. "That's all I am. I don't matter. Not to anyone. Father hasn't even tried to contact me, nor that wife of his." She sighed heavily. "Who cares?" She got up and, putting her glasses back on, walked over to her door, opening it. Automatically she stepped out and closed it behind her, her eyes turned to the floor. She was about to head for the living room when something made her stop. She looked up and stared at the door opposite her own and grimaced. The sign still sat there, mocking her with its joviality.  
  
Her breath catching in her throat, the redhead took hold of the handle with a shaking hand and slid it open. She blinked a couple of times before her mind took in the scene. Everything was exactly how it had been when she'd first been allowed out from the hospital. The clean clothes the boy hadn't had a chance to put away still sat on his neatly made bed. His SDAT player still sat on his desk, as if dropped there by a tired body. The only difference was a thin coating of dust covering everything.  
  
Shinji would hate to see so much dust on everything, she thought sadly, taking a step into the boy's room. She hadn't really been in it before. Well, at least not since they had defeated the seventh Angel. The walls were pretty much bare. There was a small picture of some landscape stuck over his desk. I wonder if that's where he lived before he came here, she pondered. It looked peaceful.  
  
She swung her eyes around, taking in the details. Neat. The room was almost too neat. The only things that weren't put away were the clothes on the bed and the SDAT player. Everything else had been carefully put where it belonged. I guess he can't stand any kind of mess. Course, that makes living with Misato a bit difficult, she thought, trying to cheer herself up. She failed, not even finding the energy to smile at her own joke.  
  
--  
  
"I guess she didn't take it all that well," Ritsuko said as the major took a long swig from the open can of beer in her hand.  
  
"Not really," Misato mumbled. She sighed. "Not that I blame her." She blinked her eyes, feeling tears welling up. "I didn't want to do it… But orders are orders."  
  
"Yes they are," Akagi agreed. She noticed the fingers of her friend's right hand twitching and heard a stifled gasp from her. "You okay?"  
  
"What? Oh, the hand. Yeah, it's fine. Just a little sore," Katsuragi assured her.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I tried to put it through my lovely new desk," Misato told her sarcastically, lying her head down on the bar. She grimaced. "A mistake."  
  
"You want me to take a look at it?" the doctor asked.  
  
"No thanks. Like I said, it's fine."  
  
"Well, if it's still sore in a couple of days I want you to come see me, got it?"  
  
"I will," Misato sighed. "How are Asuka's eyes?"  
  
"Ask me tomorrow," Akagi told her. "I'll be examining her then."  
  
"I thought it was today," the major commented, turning her head so she was looking at her friend, but still resting it on the wooden surface.  
  
"It was supposed to be," the blonde told her. "But when she didn't turn up on time, I called her. She said she wasn't feeling well - I think I can guess why - and asked if we could do it tomorrow."  
  
"Do you want me to make sure she shows?"  
  
"Probably best if you didn't Misato," Ritsuko told her friend. "She's obviously pretty sensitive right now. Don't want her to feel like you don't trust her, do you?"  
  
"I suppose not," the major muttered sadly.  
  
--  
  
"Thank you Asuka," Dr. Akagi said kindly. "Now close your eyes and keep them closed until I tell you to open them, okay?"  
  
"Alright," the girl sighed and did as she was told. There was a clatter of metal on metal, obviously the doctor shifting her instruments about, then the chair Sohryu was on started moving, lowering her down into a sitting position. She heard a click, followed by a hum which the redhead had recently learned meant an overhead strip light was on. Then she felt her glassed being put on her face, somewhat clumsily.  
  
"Okay Asuka, you can open them now," Ritsuko told her. The German did so and looked at her expectantly.  
  
"Well?" she asked, adjust her glasses so that sat more comfortably on her face. Part of her was eager to know, but part of her feared what the blonde would say and wanted to run from the room.  
  
"I think your eyes have healed as much as they're going to," Akagi informed her as gently as she could. "You don't really need the glasses much at this point. You'll find you're more sensitive to light than you used to be. Bright lights are going to hurt your eyes, so I want you to keep the glasses with you, just to be safe. I'd also suggest you avoid going out at night; you'll probably find headlights too much without the glasses, and you can't really walk around in the dark with them on."  
  
"Thanks," the redhead said sadly. "Anything else?"  
  
"Yes. I want you to come back next month so I can check on your eyes," Ritsuko told her.  
  
"Can I go now?" Sohryu asked, sounding more like her old self than she had at any time since Third Impact - as the 'lost time' was starting to be referred to as. The doctor nodded and the former pilot got to her feet and left the room.  
  
--  
  
"Well?" Misato asked, having been waiting outside the room, anxious to know. In answer, the German closed her eyes, took the glasses off and opened them again, staring at the major. She had to blink a couple of times as her tender eyes adjusted to the light, but at least they didn't water.  
  
"I'm gonna be more sensitive to light than I used to be," Asuka told her guardian, "but I'm as healed as I'm going to be."  
  
"Glad to hear it," Katsuragi replied, a genuine smile on her lips for the first time in weeks. The smile faded as she brought up the information she needed her charge to now. "Asuka, you should know, a memorial service for Shinji is being held on Thursday," she said softly. "I'd like it if you could say something like you did…"  
  
"I won't be there," Sohryu told her firmly, cutting her off. "I told you, I'm not giving up on him. Not yet."  
  
Misato reached out for her, but let her hand drop. "I…I understand. I hope you change your mind."  
  
"I won't," the girl responded, stalking away.  
  
--  
  
The sky overhead was filled with grey clouds as Asuka watched the mourners arrive. It would soon be raining, but it wasn't just yet. She was close enough to see who each person was but not close enough to hear what they said, not that she wanted to hear their empty words.  
  
I can't believe they've all given up on you Shinji, she thought sadly, closing her eyes. But I haven't. And I won't. I can't. You're still out there. I know you are. I know it. A sound attracted her attention – the service was starting. As the priest began to speak, the German turned her head and began to walk away. There was nothing for her here.  
  
She walked home, a chill wind make the girl shiver a little. But she paid it no heed. It was nothing compared to the cold emptiness she felt within. Before she knew it, she was back at the apartment. Taking off she shoes, she entered the living room and removed the dark glasses from the pocket of her jacket before dropping it on the table. She sighed.  
  
This place just seems so much smaller recently, she mused. Having no wish to watch television, the girl headed to her room. As she slid her door open, she heard the rain begin to pour. Not a gentle fall, but a full-blown storm. About to step forward into the security of her bedroom, she stopped and turned around. After a moments hesitation the German opened Shinji's room and stepped in.  
  
Once across the threshold she stopped, staring at the pile of clothes on the neatly made bed. She couldn't leave them there like that. Without thinking she began putting them away in the proper closets and drawers. Once finished, she opened a drawer she had mistakenly opened earlier. Inside was a small bundle of photographs, held together by an elastic band. She took them out and sat down on the bed before looking through them. Each was from a different point in the boy's life since moving to Tokyo-3. There were a couple that had obviously been taken before she'd moved in and one that looked like it had been taken by Kensuke, back when the two stooges had been selling pictures of her. The memory brought a sad smile to her lips as she continued to leaf through them.  
  
After about half a dozen later something struck Sohryu – most of them involved her in one way of another. True not all of them showed her smiling or being nice, but she was always there. One in particular caught her eye. Misato had taken it after they'd defeated the ninth Angel and the power had been restored. It showed all three pilots in their plug-suits. Asuka herself was stood between Shinji and Rei and seemed to be almost hanging off their shoulders, grinning at the camera. Rei had a blank look on her face, but there was nothing new about that. No, what struck the German the most was Shinji. He seemed to looking the girl beside him out of the corner of his eye and had a strange smile on his lips. She stared at it, lost in thought for a minute, before searching through the other pictures. Finding the one she wanted, she stood up and headed for her room.  
  
Jamming in the picture in the frame of the mirror on her dresser, she pulled open a drawer and rifled through it for a moment before pulling out a pair of scissors. Closing the drawer, she stared intently at the photo, as if trying to memorise something. Almost a full minute later, she reached up with the scissors and began to cut.  
  
Finished, she shook the loose hair from herself and looked in the mirror, pleased with her work. Asuka stood up and began walking towards her door, stopping as her shoulders began to itch. Sighing, the girl removed her shirt and used it wipe her back and shoulders before dropping it on the floor. She continued on, back into the boy's room, closing the doors behind her.  
  
Back in Shinji's bedroom, she picked the photos up off the bed and put them back in drawer, shivering slightly at the sound of the rain lashing the window. Unconsciously, she opened the boy's closet and pulled out one of his school shirts. Putting it on, she closed the door and buttoned it up. It was naturally a little tight across the chest, but not uncomfortably so. A sudden weariness gripped her. Yawning, she climbed onto the bed, curling up.  
  
--  
  
Misato took her shoes off as the door closed behind her, glad it was over. A heaviness hung in her heart and her make-up was streaked by both the rain and her own tears. Finding the living room empty, she went to Asuka's room.  
  
"Asuka, you in there?" she called softly, knocking on the door. She waited a few seconds without getting a response. "I'm coming in, okay?" Again she waited. Still no response. Sighing, she opened the door. The sight that greeted her left her surprised. Stepping in, she spotted the rumpled T-shirt on the floor. There was something jammed in the mirror's frame. Crossing the floor, the major saw it was a close-up photo of Shinji smiling. On the dresser and the floor around it were piles of red hair.  
  
"What the heck?" Katsuragi muttered. She knew Asuka was in. Her glasses had been on the table and the girl never went anywhere without them. Leaving the former pilot's room, she spotted that the door to Shinji's room was slightly ajar. Sliding it open, she spotted a figure curled up on the bed. Walking towards it, she noticed it was Asuka, who now had short hair. The style looked familiar, but the major couldn't place it. Reaching the bed, she found the girl to be fast asleep, looking more peaceful than she had for months.  
  
"Asuka, time to wake up," Misato said softly, gently shaking the sleeping German. The girl's body slowly relaxed and she opened her eyes sleepily.  
  
"Uh, Misato?" Asuka asked, her mind still groggy. She rolled so she was facing her guardian and put her elbow under her for support. "What time is it?"  
  
"About half past two," Katsuragi informed her. The girl yawned and sat up, running her hand through her now short hair. "How come you cut your hair?"  
  
"Just wanted to," Sohryu replied flatly.  
  
"I wish you had come to the service," the major commented.  
  
"There was no need," the redhead replied. "I know he's not dead. He's still out there, somewhere."  
  
Misato sighed. She still hasn't accepted it, she thought sadly. Deciding that she'd rather not argue with her, she changed the subject. "Are you hungry?" The former pilot nodded. "Come on, I'm sure there's something edible left," she joked. A half-hearted smile appeared on the teenager's lips. She climbed off the bed and headed for the door.  
  
As she did, Misato realised that the girl was wearing one of Shinji's school shirts. Wonder why she put that on, she pondered. She blinked as a sudden thought occurred to her. She looked closely as the girl's hair. It was! There was no denying it - Asuka had cut her hair the same way that Shinji had had his.  
  
------  
  
"Welcome back Ritsuko," Misato said as the blonde entered her office. "How was your trip?"  
  
Akagi looked at the major before answering, noticing how tired she looked. "Annoying," the doctor said, sitting down on the empty chair.  
  
"How so?" Katsuragi enquired, curious. Her friend had been looking forward to the seminar, partially as a way to get away from the chaos of headquarters' decommissioning.  
  
"Most of the delegates just wanted to pick my brains about the Magi or the Eva's," Ritsuko sighed. "Very little was actually achieved." She sighed. "So have things been here?"  
  
"So far so good," the major replied. "The surviving support buildings have all been disarmed and demolition has started on the ones in the Tokai area. All of the launch gates have been sealed. Personally, I think the government intends to seal up the Geo-Front completely."  
  
"You maybe right," Akagi commented. "How's Asuka?"  
  
Misato sighed heavily and rubbed her brow before responding. "Not good. I'm really worried about her." She looked Ritsuko in the eye. "She's still not willing to accept that Shinji's gone. You know I told you she'd cut her hair like his?" The doctor nodded. "Well, now she's taken to wearing his clothes as well."  
  
"That doesn't sound good," the blonde said quietly.  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it!" the girl's guardian sighed, leaning back in her chair. "I've been so busy with everything going on around here that I haven't really seen her for the last week or so." Misato absently picked up her coffee mug and took a sip. "I don't think she's left the apartment in weeks. She spends most of her time in his room, just sat on his bed, staring out into space."  
  
"It's probably just her way of coping," Ritsuko suggested. I hope! she added silently.  
  
"I wish I could believe you Ritsuko," the major said wistfully. "But it's more than that. A couple of days ago I tried to start an argument with her." She caught the doctor's look. "Hey, I know how that sounds. But I'm just so sick of her moping round the place I had to do something!"  
  
"And?"  
  
"And nothing. She just muttered something under her breath and left the room. When I checked on her later she was listening to Shinji's SDAT player." The major put her mug down and held her head in her hands. "I just don't know what to do! It's like she's lost her…her fire, her spirit."  
  
"Sound's like she could be depressed."  
  
"No kidding!" Katsuragi muttered.  
  
"No, I mean clinically depressed," Ritsuko clarified.  
  
Misato looked up at her. "You really mean that?"  
  
"Well, I'm no psychologist," the blonde added quickly, "but it does sound that way." Misato's hands dropped to the desk and she blinked several times, considering what her friend had just told her.  
  
"You may be right," she said sadly, scrubbing her face. "Dammit, why didn't I see it earlier?!"  
  
"Don't blame yourself kiddo," her friend replied. "Things have been so hectic recently, it's not surprising."  
  
"I guess," the girl's guardian sighed, dropping forward onto the desk.  
  
"Are you okay?" Ritsuko enquired, concerned.  
  
"Uh-huh. Just haven't been sleeping well recently, that's all."  
  
"I have you seen someone about it?"  
  
"Yeah," Misato answered. "I've got some sleeping pills at home. I hate taking them, but I just can't seem to get any sleep without them. Hopefully that'll change."  
  
"Yes, things should start to calm down now," Akagi commented. "Now there's not much left to do."  
  
"That reminds me," Katsuragi said, pushing herself up off the wooden surface. She picked up the phone sat on the far corner and dialled a number. It rang for a while before an answer phone cut in. At the beep, she said "Asuka, it's Misato. I'm gonna have to look late again tonight. Don't wait up for me, okay? See you tomorrow." Hanging up, she looked at her friend. "She must be sleeping."  
  
--  
  
Asuka Langley Sohryu stared blankly at the blinking light on the answering machine for a while. "What's the point?" she muttered sadly and wandered away. It didn't matter who it was or what the message said. It's not like would have been for her anyway. It would be for Misato, so the woman could deal with it herself whenever she got back. Without thinking, the girl padded into his room and picked up the SDAT player that sat on the bed. Slipping the headphones on, she closed her eyes and listened to the soulful sounds being pumped into her ears.  
  
She sighed as the piece of music ended, blinking as she felt tears well up. She let them fall, not even bothering to wipe her cheeks as she felt the hot wetness run down them. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. A few moments later, the tears were gone, but she still felt the sadness that had caused them.  
  
And I always will, she thought sadly. And I deserve to. It's my own damned fault! She ripped the headphones from her ears and threw the player against the wall over the bed. She heard a crack as it impacted, the delicate internal mechanisms smashing. Good! She didn't deserve to listen to it. It was his! She had no right to it! She walked out the room, closing the door behind her with a fierce finality. It was his room! She shouldn't be in it! She had no right to be in it! Not after all she'd done to him.  
  
Realising her cheeks were still streaked with the tears she had cried, she went to the bathroom to wash them away. She had no right to cry over him! No right! None at all! Turning on both taps, she splashed the water in her face. Looking up, she noticed a small container sat next to the mirror. That hadn't been there before, had it?  
  
Curious, she picked it up. There was a label stuck to it. Misato's name was printed on it in small characters. And some kind of instructions. The German had to read them several times before she realised what they were – sleeping pills. Misato was obviously having trouble sleeping.  
  
Sleep. That sounded good. She always felt a little better after sleep. Not much that was true, but a bit. Maybe that was what she needed now. Sleep. But she didn't feel tired. She was weary and worn out, emotionally and physically drained, but not tired. She looked at the medicine bottle she still held.  
  
Maybe these would help, she thought. After all, Misato's not going to need all of them. She wouldn't miss a couple, surely. Her eyes still fixed on the small bottle in her hands, Asuka wandered into the living room. Sitting down on the couch, she opened the bottle, spilling the contents on cushion beside her. So many! So bright and enticing! She dropped the now empty bottle on table in front of her.  
  
She licked her lips. Thirsty, she realised. Need a drink. In a daze, she stood up and went into the kitchen. She filled the biggest glass she could find with water and drank it down in one go, some of the liquid running down her cheeks. Wiping her mouth, she refilled the glass and took it back into the living room, setting it down on the small table beside the couch.  
  
She sat down gently, careful not to dislodge the capsules that seemed to call to her. She picked one up, holding it between her thumb and forefinger and staring at it. So shiny! she thought, watching the sunlight glisten off the reflective surface. Slowly, she put in her mouth and took a gulp of water to wash it down. She sat back on the couch.  
  
Not enough, she thought, realising she wasn't any closer to sleep. Guess I'll have to take more. She picked up two and swallowed them, washing them down as she had the first. A short time passed. Still not enough. She grabbed a number and put them in her mouth. It was harder to swallow them than she had thought it would be, but she managed. She waited again. Still nothing.  
  
The redhead picked a capsule up and swallowed it. Then a few seconds later she did it again. And again. Guess I'll keep doing this until it starts to work, she decided, swallowing. She quickly lost track of how many she'd swallowed. It just never seemed to be enough.  
  
Last one, she thought, she head beginning to feel heavy. I hope this will be enough to put me out for a while. She swallowed it, slopping water on herself in the process. Doesn't matter. She put the glass down, knocking over as she pulled her hand away. She gazed at the spillage groggily. I'll clean it up later, she told herself, her mind feeling gummed up. She blinked several times as her head began to sag, then it dropped to her chest and her breathing slowed into the soft rhythm of sleep.  
  
--  
  
Misato rubbed her arms against the cold night air as she approached the front door, glad to be back. She sighed as she realised that she wouldn't have much sleep before she had to be back in work. Guess I'll have to take a couple of those damned pills, she thought as the door slid open in front of her. She kicked her shoes off gently as it closed behind her. She walked further into the apartment.  
  
No lights, she realised. Asuka must be asleep. The major went into the living room, not surprised to find the curtains still open - her charge hadn't been very good at the little things like that recently. She flipped on the light, blinking at the sudden brightness.  
  
A glisten caught her eye. There was a glass on the table beside the couch. She frowned as she realised it was on its side. Not another spill, she sighed. Guess I'm gonna have to have a word with her about cleaning up after herself.  
  
Her annoyance faded as she stepped forward and noticed the form on the couch. A sad smile tugged at her lips as she saw how peaceful the girl was. Heading for the window to close it and the curtains, her leg banged into the short table in font of the couch. She was about to mutter a curse when she heard a rolling sound. Looking at the table, she saw a small brown bottle roll against its white plastic cap and stop.  
  
What the…? she thought, reaching for it. Picking it up, she discovered it was empty. Frowning, she looked at the label, her face turning ashen as she read it. Gasping, she dropped the bottle and slowly turned her head to the girl. She almost stumbled as she stepped towards the couch. Reaching out, she felt the girl's skin against hers. Cool and clammy.  
  
"No!" she whispered, collapsing to the floor with tears in her eyes and a hand over her mouth. That one touch had confirmed her fears. "God no!" she sobbed, her body shaking as the sound echoed through the cold dark apartment. She buried her head into the arm of the couch, tears coursing down her face and struggling for breath.  
  
------  
  
A hand being gently laid on her shoulder brought Misato out of her daze. She blinked repeatedly, her mind confused, and looked around. "Ritsuko?" she asked puzzled, noticing who the hand belonged to. "Is the service over?"  
  
"Yes," the blonde replied softly. "It's time to go Misato." Katsuragi looked down at the freshly buried grave at her feet.  
  
"I guess it is," she murmured sadly, blinking away the tears. She let her friend lead her away from the trio of markers that represented three young lives that had ended far too soon.  
  
"Are you going to be okay?" Akagi asked gently, steering the former major towards the car that awaited them.  
  
"I…I think so," Misato replied. She looked at her friend. "Do you mind if I stay with you for a bit longer? I just… I just can face going back to the apartment yet."  
  
"Of course," Ritsuko smiled. "You will have to, you know."  
  
"I know," the lavender-haired woman nodded. "I… I just need a few days." She stopped and looked up at the sun-filled sky. A moment later, she resumed walking. "I'm gonna sell it," she said a short while later.  
  
"Sell it?"  
  
"The apartment," Misato clarified. "I don't think I could face living there anymore. Not after everything that's happened."  
  
"Where then?" the blonde asked as they reached the car.  
  
"I…don't know." Katsuragi said, pausing for a moment. "But I'm not staying in Tokyo any longer." She sighed. "Nerv's gone. The children are gone. There's nothing left for me here." She opened the car's front passenger door and got in.  
  
"So what are you going to going to do?" Ritsuko asked as she got in the driver's seat.  
  
"I don't know. I pledged my life to destroying the Angels. They're gone and I'm still here," she said as her friend started the engine and scrubbed her face. "I never considered what I'd do afterwards." After watching the scenery pass by for a few moments she muttered "I guess I didn't think I'd survive." She looked at the blonde. "I could go see mom. She's been asking me to visit."  
  
"That sounds like a good idea," Akagi told her. "I know you blame yourself for what happened, but there was nothing anyone could've done. I guess she just couldn't face life without him."  
  
Misato reassured her friend by saying "I know." The former major sighed. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna shut myself off like she did. I'll be okay…with help." Stopping at an intersection, Ritsuko reached across and squeezed her friend's shoulder. Katsuragi looked over at her and the doctor smiled.  
  
"You'll get it," she said. "You'll get it."   
  
The End  
  
=================================================================================================  
  
Author's Note -  
  
And that's it. Thoroughly depressing I know; but then, I was depressed when the original idea came to me. And a lot of what Asuka felt was taken from my own personal experience. I don't think I've ever been clinically depressed, but I have my 'down' times, and they can be pretty bad.  
  
Enough about me. Comments, criticisms, suggestions, etc. are welcome, but please be constructive. I'll try to respond to any correspondence, but most of my time is currently being spent writing 'Evangelion Chronicles'.  
  
E-mail – CEO_Room3@Hotmail.com 


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